Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Ro-more trouble than it's worth-mance

Part two

As I’ve said before, I’ve never been much of a romantic but growing up I had always had this fantasy that one day someone I did not know, would come up to me and say, ‘It’s you’ (or something similar) and so basically just by looking at me he would realise that I was the girl of his dreams.

I was working as a cashier at Sainsbury’s at the time and one afternoon a little Spanish chap who bought a packet of salt and vinegar crisps and a can of Apple Tango, also declared his love to me.
Watching the Spanish Romeo being escorted out of the supermarket by one of the security guards, it suddenly occurred to me that there was a major flaw in my fantasy; normal people did not go around telling people that they did not know from Adam that they were in love with them, only creeps and weirdoes did this sort of thing.

As the supermarket closed that night and I made my way across the car park to the bus stop, I saw the little Spanish guy in the distance, standing by the exit. I guess it was sweet that he had waited out there for me for about five hours but it was also scary because it was dark and while I had been faffing around inside; looking for some change to buy a can of coke, everyone else had left the supermarket and now there was only us two left. The way I saw it there were three possibilities with this guy:

1- He was a loser with no life who could spare five hours of his Saturday night to stand around supermarket car parks
2- He was a sweetheart and a hopeless romantic who had seen past my spotty face and my greasy hair jammed in a ponytail and my very unflattering, nylon cashiers’ uniform and had fallen madly in love with me
3- He was a psychopath, about to kidnap me and hack me to pieces

I desperately felt around in my bag for anything that could be used against him in case he turned out to be the psychopath. He had already started walking towards me and so I grabbed the only thing that vaguely resembled a weapon, a biro which I held very tightly with the tip coming out of one side of my fist and imagined how I would stab him with it repeatedly (if he tried to attack me) Norman Bates style, eee eee.
As he got closer, I realised that there was also a fourth possibility with this guy,

4- He was a vampire slayer!

Or should I say I was hoping that was what he was because otherwise it meant that for no particular reason, while waiting outside for the love of his life to finish her shift, Prince Charming (feeling a little peckish) had decided that the best thing to snack on at this precise moment in time was what from the smell I would say, a bucketful of raw garlic.
‘Khello’ he said.
I think he was smiling but I can’t be sure as by then my eyes had started watering from the garlic fumes, making it hard for me to see.
‘Hello’ I said and started walking towards the bus stop, fast.
‘You no khave a car?’ He sounded like he was horrified even by the thought of me not having a car but I think it might have just been his accent that was making him sound that way.
‘You go wis bus?’

By the time we got to the bus stop, I was pretty much sure that this garlic muncher was quite harmless but it was still nice to see that there were other people at the bus stop as well.
Now at the time I used to smoke and one of my greatest pleasures was to get a can of coke from the machine and have that with a cigarette as I waited for my bus after I’d finished work.
I had taken out my cigarette and was looking for my lighter. ‘Not good for your mouth’ said the man who could wipe out an entire tribe of vampires with one breath, disapprovingly. I didn’t know exactly what he meant by that but in an effort to try and reduce the garlic fumes coming my way, I had already decided not to engage him in any more conversation than was necessary, so I didn’t ask. I put my cigarette back though and decided against lighting it because my bus was approaching and also because even though I was almost certain that garlic was not flammable, the air felt so thick with it at the time that I couldn’t help thinking, what if.

Long story short, it did not work out between me and the Vampire Slayer. Call me shallow but I have my standards and even though I appreciate a good party trick as much as the next person, I still can’t bring myself to date a man who can turn a French stick into garlic bread; simply by breathing on it.

End of part two


The Spring Breeze said...

Shirin, these two stories were just HILARIOUS... I loved this : " 'Not good for your mouth’ said the man who could wipe out an entire tribe of vampires with one breath, disapprovingly."

Hope there's a third part.

Shirin said...

Yes Spring Breeze, there is a third an last part to this in which I will talk about…hmm better not spoil it actually :-) It’ll be on in a few days.

Behrooz said...

Shirin you know I know and a lot more know that you write good. That's why I always keeps my fingers crossed you write the right thing right!Though in this day and age the last thing on which people may agree is what the right thing is! And this to me is the saddest of all and yet so inevitable it seems too!

The nice prose and the very funny narrtive is really great. But I also like to say that I could not bring myself to appreciate this statement: "normal people did not go around telling people that they did not know from Adam that they were in love with them, only creeps and weirdoes did this sort of thing."

jarvenpa said...

It is very funny, Shirin--and I am pleased to observe you obviously think the pen is mightier than the sword, given that you contemplated your Biro as a weapon of choice.

Anahita said...

what is it about creepy spanish men..i got followed down Queensgate on the way home from college in my first year by a man who said..."Vyyyy u dont give me your numberrrr? I liiiiike yoooo!!"....i didnt go home until hours later due to many detours to avoid the scary man...the story is longer...and i dont think he was a vampire slayer..but he turned out to be a local waiter! (saw him weeks later)oh dear!

mariamusic said...

Hi Shirin,
I enjoyed reading the stories, and I like your sense of humor.

Shirin said...

Oh Behrooz you really are a little romantic sweetheart aren’t you. You’re right; maybe I was being a little harsh there but to be honest, when I wrote that, I did not mean it as a statement; I was merely writing out what was going on in my head at the time. But then again when you think about it, it can be kind of true in a way because when a man falls in love with a woman at first sight, it means that unless he has some sort of sixth sense that allows him to know exactly what a person is like just by looking at them, he has fallen in love only with the way she looks. There’s nothing wrong with that of course and I’m sure in the days of Romeo and Juliet or Shirin and Farhad, this was how most people fell in love but in this day and age when most women are complex, educated, independent characters with a mind of their own and a lot of likes and dislikes…well lets just say things have changed a little and so while I’m sure most single woman still fantasize about love at first sight and will feel flattered if a man claims to have fallen in love with them just by looking at them, they will still not take him all that seriously thinking that he is probably only saying that to try and get them into bed.

To tell you the truth Jarvenpa, I did have a sword in my bag and all but having heard that the pen was mightier than that, I decided to go with the pen ;-)

That sounds bad Anahita. Men don’t realise how scary it can be for a woman to get followed around like that by a stranger. Something similar to that happened to me once when I was coming back home on my own one night. Someone was following me and I got scared and so went and attached myself to this other guy that was walking down the road in the opposite direction and asked for his help. Turned out he was even creepier than the other one :-| Weirdoes.
Now I don’t know if it was intentional or not but I just love this bit of rapping that you’ve done at the end of your comment. It all rhymes!
‘the story is longer
...and i dont think he was a vampire slayer
..but he turned out to be a local waiter!
(saw him weeks later)
oh dear!’
Yo, I can dig it. Respect :-)

Thanks Mariamusic :-)

ليلی-شازده کوچولو said...

Thank you Shirin! I love it when you leave a comment, doesn't matter at all if it's in English...but if you ever need to write Farsi, this is a useful site, check it out:

I'm somehow hoping the 3rd part would be about your current story... ;->

Behrooz said...

Shirin, it's the relationship which is different now and not love. Love is the same and that's why I think we have more love lost than gained, most possibly because of the very same changes you speak of.

As to the idea of first love and being flattered, your idea seems far from representing the majority of women/girls. And it is not strange either, you say you are not a romantic type after all.

Shirin said...

Thanks Leyli :-) I wanted the third part to be about our relationship too but after seeing how Kamyar pounces on the computer these days as soon as he gets in to see if I’ve posted something new and how he looks over my shoulder whenever I’m writing something, I started to think he might not be ready just yet to have his love life laid bare on the internet. Men, ey! What can you do? ;-)

It might have a little something with my age too, 31 next Friday, boo hoo :-( And I’m sure it has another little something to do with me already being in love and therefore not having to look for it or fantasize about it anymore.