Due to a sudden disappearance of any form of elasticity in my other two bras (ok one was about sixteen years old but the other one was only about nine; they really don’t make them like they used to) and my mother’s veto on crop tops (apparently they flatten everything and that is not good) and also my reluctance to go and have my breasts fondled by some specs wearing chubby middle-aged woman (yes I still don’t know what size I am. Do you? Really? Does anyone? Even if you know it they all change from style to style and from shop to shop, let alone country to country. What’s that all about? Makes me wonder what those guys up in the UN have been doing all these years) for the past five moths I have been left to choose between a padded-bra and nothing.

This is of course a very misfortunate situation to be in. However since I have been forced to wear the padded-bra, day in day out, I have noticed that there is something very special about this item of clothing.
In short, padded-bras have some sort of strange power that can for some reason turn a perfectly nice and sensible man momentary into an imbecile. I have been doing a bit of research on this which I thought maybe I could share with you today.

Don’t worry I’m not going to do that whole thing about men liking breast. Yes we all know that men like breasts. Women like breasts too. Who doesn’t like breasts?
I for one think there is nothing more entertaining than a woman with big breasts, jogging. It’s just so nice to watch and I believe it’s one of those things that can make absolutely anyone happy. I once saw a naked man, wearing only a beret, riding a bicycle with a poodle in his front basket. And another time I saw this (which I think is quite self explanatory). These were pretty entertaining too. But maybe these are the kind of things that you could watch once and enjoy but unlike the jogging big breasted woman they would get kind of boring if you were to see them everyday.

Ok so it’s common knowledge that everyone likes breasts. Before we go any further let’s just remind ourselves of the reasons why we all like breasts so much:
One, they are beautiful
Two, they are soft
Three, they jiggle
Let me just say that these are just my personal reasons for liking breasts so if you have anything else to add to this list please feel free to do so. However if you agree that these are pretty much main reasons, maybe you can also understand my confusion about this whole business with padded-bras.
Is it not true that by putting breasts in padded bras, we are taking them as far away from all those things that are nice about them as possible?
Just think about it. Do they still jiggle? I think you find that the answer to that question is, not one bit. Are they still soft? Again, no, not at all. Are they still beautiful? To me they are not really. It’s like someone strapping two coconuts to themselves and walking down the street; ok so they are two hard, round things, so what?

Considering all this I came to the conclusion that the moronic smile that appears on the face of a man (faced with a woman wearing a padded-bra under her clothes as apposed to one wearing no bra) and the absent look in his eyes may not be the product of him just enjoying this experience. And as the sad and disturbing results of my tests show, I was very right to think that.

One could argue that what men like about the padded-bras is the element of surprise. And this is a very valid argument too (especially because it very nicely takes me to the point that I am trying to make).
Let me give you an example that explains this argument a little bit better: A child begs his parents for weeks to buy him the latest model of Spaceship Blah blah. One day his father walks in and hands him the Spaceship Blah blah, the child becomes very happy, takes it and goes off to play with it.
Now replay this scene. This time the father comes in with the same spaceship but it has been gift wrapped. If you look closely, the look on this child’s face in the first few seconds after his father has walked into the house is very similar to the one of a man passing a woman wearing a padded-bra in the street. This is the end of the Surprise theory. And interestingly it is only the beginning of mine which I like to call The Stroke theory.

If we were to take electroencephalograms of both the child (facing the present) and the man (facing the padded-bra) at those first few seconds you will find that while the child’s brain is working super fast counting all the possibilities of what could be in the box, the man’s brain has temporarily been stripped off all thoughts and has actually become completely frozen in time.
What this man is experiencing is a very minor stroke which will blow away on its own in a few seconds.

Any men reading this will as sure as God made little green apples at this point start saying, ‘What nonsense’ and all that. And that’s fine. How can they remember something if their brain had not been working at the time it had happened? And men please don’t get defensive; I’m on your side. By speaking out about this I’m trying to raise awareness of something that I believe is hurting you.
If any women reading this have doubts about my new discoveries, I have devised a simple exercise which I am going to put at the end of this article. Those of you who will try this exercise will undoubtedly think that there is some magic or trickery involved. But no, this is not magic. This is just science.
The only thing I would say about this exercise is that please do not try this on the same person more than twice in twenty four hours since we still don’t know the long term effects that these minor strokes have on a person’s brain. I personally think that they can do a lot of damage but of course the billion dollar padded-bra industry disagrees.


Exercise:

For this exercise you will need:
2 people, one male and one female
1 padded bra
2 rooms separated by one door

The male stands on one side of the door, facing it and looks straight ahead. The female goes to the other side. She puts on the padded-bra under her T-shirt. She opens the door and at the same time asks, ‘What is your name?’
The man will not be able to answer.
She counts to five then closes the door. She takes off the padded-bra and comes back out again. The man will still be standing in his original place.
He will not be able to recall the previous incident.