Last night our cooker blew up. If you’ve never had the pleasure of having an electric cooker blow up in your face, take it from me; it’s quite frightening and really annoying as well especially if just moments before you have been saying, ‘I’m so happy. Hey isn’t summer great?’ while dancing around the kitchen, chopping up vegetables for you pasta sauce.
Kamyar said, ‘Yeah it’s great, isn’t it?’ and we pulled some very extreme happy faces for each other; arms up in the air, eyes bulging, mouth wide open; screaming style only soundless with jazz hands to finish.
Ok we were a bit merry from our one can of Becks each after having been out in the sun all day.
‘Look; I’ve got a tan just from walking to town and back today.’ I said. Kamyar agreed with my statement on further inspection, ‘You have as well. Nice.’ and then said, ‘I’ll just go and check something on my blog. Be back in a sec.’
And that’s when I noticed it. A most dazzling light was shining out from underneath the frying pan.
Naturally I thought what I presume any normal tipsy person would think when put in a similar situation on the night before their thirty first birthday; this was God, trying to make contact with me.
I felt quite chuffed of course but then I thought, ‘I really hope he’s just come to say happy birthday and be off on his way.’ because Kamyar and I were having such a nice evening together and we were both tired and fancied just lying on our sofa and watching Walk the Line and if god was to suddenly turn up, we would probably have to sit up straight and make polite conversations with him about the Koran and the Old Testament.
‘Maybe I’m going to be a prophet’ I thought. If that’s the case I hope I’m a fun prophet with a nice easy religion that says things like, ‘If you want to go to heaven, eat strawberries.’ and ‘But if you’re allergic to strawberries or just don’t like them, eat cherries or bananas.’ and that sort of thing. I didn’t really fancy having to go to wars and preach and all that.
‘I wonder if he’ll be willing to give me this week’s winning Lottery numbers as a birthday gift’ I thought, ‘or pull some strings and make Iran win the World Cup or at the very least, cure my eczema.’
And then it happened, as I bent down to see how much longer god was planning to illuminate the kitchen from underneath my frying pan before saying happy birthday, Booooooooom; the hob blew with a loud bang, sparks went flying and for the first time in it’s very long life, our old electric cooker had a nice little fire on it (which by the way god failed to come out from).
Happy birthday to me :-)