Sunday, August 27, 2006

The latest on the airports terror alert
with Shirin and Kamyar Adl

A stick of dynamite was found in a man’s checked luggage in Houston Texas. The man, who was arrested by the authorities, claims to work in the mining industry.
Earlier I interviewed one of the other passengers on the plane who had agreed to speak to us.

‘Hello Sir.’
‘Meep meep’
‘Mr Roadrunner, this man claims to work in mining which of course would explain the dynamite in his luggage. Obviously people should be allowed to carry their work tools around with them if they wish to do so. And of course I would never object to a teacher travelling with one or two pupils packed neatly in her suitcase or a lumberjack walking through airport with a chainsaw on his back. But in case of this creature I must say, all evidence point to him being a terrorist:
1- He is brown
2- He is hairy
3- He is quite dodgy looking really

We asked Mr Roadrunner for his input on this subject but unfortunately by then he had disappeared, leaving behind only a cloud of dust.

In other news a Continental Airlines flight from Corpus Christi, Texas, to Bakersfield, Calif, was held in El Paso after the crew discovered a missing panel in the lavatory.
After examining the hole, the authorities arrested a strange looking man with a huge belly and a very big nose/mouth. There are reports from eyewitnesses that as the man (who claims to work in the pest control industry) was being escorted out of the airport, in one terrorist language or other, he repeatedly shouted the words, ‘Azat motenafferam soorakheh fori’ which when translated into Queen’s democratic English will give, ‘I hate you instant hole.’

The man arrested, who has been named by the authorities as Anteater, will be transferred to Guantanamo Bay prison later this evening.

An Aer Lingus flight from New York City to Dublin was also evacuated Friday morning during a scheduled stopover in western Ireland following a bomb threat that turned out to be unfounded.
We now go live to our airport correspondent.

‘Bugs Bunny, I hear that you have been interviewing people at the airport all day.’
(munch munch) ‘Eh…yeah that’s right.’ (munch munch)
‘So? What have they been saying?’
‘Well I asked one guy, ‘What’s up Doc?’ and he said, eh…where are my notes now? Hang on a minute…ok here they are. Eh…he replied, ‘Be vewwy, vewwy quiet, I'm hunting wabbits!’
‘Oh, well that’s very interesting.’
(Munch munch)
‘Ok…er, what about Denis Breslin, spokesman for American Airlines’ pilots union? I hear that you have been speaking to him too.’
‘Eh…’ (munch munch) ‘oh yeah that guy. Yeah I asked him, ‘What’s cooking?...Doc.’
‘And he said, ‘There really are bad guys out there to get us.’
‘Really? Is that what he said? Well that sounds scary.’
(munch munch) ‘Nyeah…I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.’
C Loony Adls Press 2006

Have your say!

These are some of the comments that we at the Loony Adls Press have been receiving regarding the latest terror alerts and airport security.

Erik Smith said…
The authorities have been trying to unarm airplane passengers for many years now but somehow there are still people getting onto planes armed with dynamites and knives and shoe-bombs and baby milk. Frankly I don’t feel safe travelling on a plane anymore.

Anonymous said…
I don’t think it’s fair how airport officials seem to concentrate all their attention on the Moslem looking people. As a tall blond person who has never been strip searched in an airport in all my life, I feel that my basic human rights have been violated.

Mohammad Taghavi said…
This is only another great stratagem by the Great Satan and the cockeyed British to annoy the guiltless, martyr producing nation of Iran and compel this dear nation to give up their basic human rights of a nuclear power station.
Give me your ear and let me notify you why I say this. Notify me, what other people would endure as much suffering as the first-class people of Iran when a veto on hand luggage is put in place? You are notifying us, the nation who invented the Six Carry/Push method (one backpack, two carrier bags on each hand and one big bag being kicked in the front) that we are only sanctioned one bag on the plane each? You kid me? What about all the fried Ghormeh herbs, the fried aubergines, the feta cheese and green plums? Are you anticipating us to travel without these vital substances?
But let me notify you this Mr Bush and Mr Blair, you may take away our hand luggage rights but we will never give up our nuclear rights. As god is my bystander, I will pray everyday for the day that every Iranian has a nuke in his backyard, in other words, beh omideh roozi keh har Irani yek mooshak daashteh baashad. Vassalam, nameh tamam.
Mohmmad taghavi, 38 saaleh, az Tehran


jarvenpa said...

Ah Shirin, you make me laugh. And to be able to do this in such times is a great gift!

GazanKhan said...

That was really funny my dear, thank you very much for making us laugh.

Anonymous said...

Thanks shirin, I found this report absolutely honest and from the heart of many people. can I ad on behalf of good looking passengers and the gay community that it s really unfashionable to walk in with a clear plastic bag instead of the trendy gucci trolley that can be either pushed or rolled behind..
hope this comment finds some ears.

Shirin said...

That’s great Jarvenpa, I’m glad I made you laugh :-)

Thanks Gazankhan my friend :-)

So true Marieh, so true. And when you think about it, a clear plastic bag is so much more dangerous than a normal handbag. Well you can’t exactly kill anyone with a normal handbag whereas with a plastic bag, you can just pull it over someone’s head and that will be it!

Amir Sharifi said...

Hi Shirin,
This was a great piece. Very much fun to read,
If I may suggest, you should get this published in your local paper at least ;0)

Shirin said...

Amir, I guess it’s too late for this one now as most people have probably forgotten the news that it’s referring to but maybe next time I write a journalistic piece like this ;-) I’ll try sending it off.