My mum did a very cute thing. She sent me a parcel but forgot to put our flat number on it. So I called Parcel Force to try and track it down.
A machine with a woman’s voice said, ‘If you want to enquire about an existing account please press one, if you want to find out about our special deals please press two, If want to enquire about a late or lost parcel please press three.’
After going through ten minutes of being given options by a the machine I finally got to, ‘If you are trying to track down a parcel sent by a dozy Iranian mother who has forgotten to put the house number on the parcel, please press nine…’ Their options were surprisingly precise.
‘Finally’ I thought and pressed nine. Beep beep and a man said, ‘Hello…’ I was so happy to be able to talk to a real person that I quickly said, ‘Hello, em, good afternoon. I was…’
The man on the other end cut me off saying, ‘This service is voice activated so you can talk to me in your normal voice. Please choose from the following options: If your parcel was sent within the UK please say, ‘Within the UK.’ If your parcel was sent from the UK to another country please say, ‘International exports’ If your parcel was sent from another country to the UK please say, ‘International imports.’ Just as I was about to say, ‘International imports’ the neighbourhood crows decided it was a good time to start a little singsong.
‘Sorry, I didn’t get that.’ Said machine in a sarcastic voice, ‘was that kaa kaa? Let me give you those options again: If your parcel was sent within the UK please say, ‘Within the UK.’ If your parcel was…’
Prick