I’ve been gathering amusing quotes from people I know or have come across at some time in my life. The list is getting a bit too long so here is the first part.

Two of my housemates at college having a conversation; one Spanish, Gabby (with a very strong accent) one American, Jeff (from Virginia)
Gabby cooking some spinach on the stove. Jeff sitting at the kitchen table playing with a fork.
Jeff: What have you got in there Gabby?
Gabby: Epi-nes
Jeff (quite horrified): What?! You’ve got a penis in there?

My friend Goli in GAP: ‘They want to charge this much for a little vest top and they don’t even have the decency to stick a little flower on it or something.’

My cousin Shadi after only a few months of being in England, talking to her friend about the benefits of having taken out her tonsils: ‘I used to get a soar throat all the time but it’s been so much better since I’ve had my testicles removed.’

A very old and wise aunty summoning up the funeral of another old person that she had just come back from: We cried, we ate, we laughed.

My four year old Uncle (Firooz, nicknamed, Fifi) jumps on the bed to hug his mum (who has just come back from the hospital with his newborn brother) and is shouted at by my grandmother (Mamanjoon, who is worried he might jump on the baby): ‘Fifi don’t do that.’
Sulkily he says: ‘Until yesterday; Fifi darling, from today; just plain old Fifi.’

Me hearing the word ‘Decade’ for the first time.
My uncle to me: ‘So two decades, hey?’
I (at first a bit taken aback by the prospect of this gentle man using the word dickhead so freely, then eventually coming to the conclusion that it’s probably ok, assuming one of the dickheads must be me and since the other definitely can’t be him) innocently asking, ‘So who’s the other one then?’

An old lady by Magdalene bridge in town, bending down to talk to her little scruffy dog, ‘Now listen here missy, we are not going to barge in the river again; that squirrel is not there anymore, it’s gone. Do you hear me?’

Tooran, (a Turkish lady that used to do a bit of cleaning for my uncle sometimes) on her way to the north of Iran, explaining the scenery to her fellow passengers: ‘All these trees; big, small, even smaller than that.’

Kamyar and I trying to get back home from Heathrow airport.
We: ‘Excuse me; does this bus go to Oxford?’
The bus driver looking a bit annoyed about having to state the obvious: ‘Well yes of course; this is the Oxford platform.’
‘Yes but we just asked because your destination thingy says London.’
The bus driver: ‘Yes and it says Goodyear on my tires but so far I’ve had a pretty shit year.’

An old boyfriend’s excuse for disappearing without a trace for three whole days: ‘Honey I was sending you vibes all weekend. Did you not get them?’

My grandmother (Azizam) calling her local taxi service: ‘Hello sir, can you please send a carriage to our home as soon as you have one available?’

My grandfather (Babajoon) covering up one of his sons (who had kicked off all his covers during the night) with a blanket, whispering: ‘If his bum catches a cold, he’ll be farting all day.’