Friday, March 31, 2006

So here in England last Sunday was Mother’s Day. However some of the shops in town still have all their Mother’s Day stock on the shelves in the hope that some idiot will walk in there and seeing all the stuff suddenly think, ‘Oh no, is it Mother’s day again? I best go and buy another stripy pink bear holding a red heart saying ‘I wuv you mummy’ for my mother or she’ll get really mad.’
It was raining and I had half an hour to kill so I thought I’ll go and see exactly what it is that mums these days are supposed want from their children.
According to WHSmith, what your mother would have really loved to receive this Mother’s Day was one of the following items: a very stunned-looking giraffe with the softest muzzle you have ever stroked on any animal, a not-so-pretty bulldog, a stripy pink bear…(‘yeah yeah we know the rest’ I hear you cry out and don’t worry; I won’t describe that monstrosity again), a CD titled, ‘Number 1 Mum’ (which is basically Celine Dion’s Greatest Hits with a few R. Kelly tunes thrown in as well), a book called, ‘Mothers and Daughters’, another one called simply, ‘Mothers’ (I don’t know if it’s just me or what but I detected a note of sarcasm in this one; ‘Mothers, ey? Can’t live with them and when you suggest they should just move into a nursing home and let you live in their house in peace, they get all funny about it.’) or one called ‘Why can’t every day be Mother’s Day?’ (or ‘Puke’, if they had just let me name it).
As I ran my fingers along the stunned giraffe’s soft muzzle and thought about braving the rain, suddenly something about the last corny book attracted my attention. It was a big round red sticker proudly presenting the message: ‘Buy one get one ½ price’
‘‘Ello, ‘ello, ‘ello’ I said to the giraffe, ‘What’s going on ‘ere then? A special deal for kids who have been adopted by lesbian couples or for people whose fathers have had a sex-change?’ The giraffe continued to look shocked which I put down to a strict religious upbringing. ‘Yes these are truly modern times we’re living in my friend.’
The giraffe was not much of a conversationist. But then again with a muzzle that soft he didn’t really need to be.

25 comments:

Em said...

Ola Shirin

Totally unrelated but I jus had to say Hi

. said...

I think sweet hallucination would charge you with robbing him off his patented subjects!!

Shirin said...

Hi to you too Em

I don’t get it Behrooz. Sweet Hallucinations has bought all rights to all things to do with soft-muzzled giraffes?!

Anahita said...

The giraffe sounds appetising...maybe i should have a baby so that I can have one....hmm, or maybe i can be the giraffe's mummy....i think i need to make a trip down to WHSmiths asap...

jarvenpa said...

You should have bought the soft muzzled little giraffe. It obviously wanted to come home with you, to look at your tiny goldfish.

Anonymous said...

I laughed when started and laughed again I when finished and the report was short and compelet. What more one can want really? Very funny Shirin thank you.
P.S. I wonder if I'm the first one to find this one funny, which is really funny by the way. On comments on your last post some one had said something like she had found that one very very funny! and had laughed very very much! I wonder what she'll say when she reads this! Is it possible that she dies frome laughter this time? poor thing.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully, smartly and cutely said, me too like Phllip laughed two times. I wonder if choosing the name Phillip and eating dog at the same time is not a mere accident! Or is it?
Philllip! would you be so kind ot let me know where did you get the idea, privately of course; at my blog?

Shirin said...

Anahita, Did you mean you wanted to have a baby and then wait for it to grow up and then one day go and buy the soft muzzled giraffe for you for mothers day? Great plan :-) but yes maybe it’ll be quicker to just become the giraffes mummy instead.

You’re right Jarvenpa; I should have. Now I miss his little stunned face. I’ll go and visit him again on Monday I think.

Hi Philip the Dog Eater, I’m glad I gave you two of your five recommended daily portions of laughter (or is that fruit and veg? Oh well never mind).
About the ‘people dying from too much laughter’ thing, would that be considered manslaughter do you think?
I just remembered this Monty Pythons’ sketch where this guy had written the funniest piece of writing ever. He died himself straight after finishing it, from too much laughter. Of course the same thing happened to anyone else who read it as well so they put it away somewhere safe so no one could read it. In the Second World War the army decided to use it as a weapon against ze Germans. But then anyone who tried to translate it died as well and so they had to bring in some foreigners who did not speak English to copy each sentence and then sent each sentence off to be translated into German by a different translator and thus made the most effective weapon in history. On the battlefield instead of bombs the British would drop down flyers carrying this hilarious story which the Germans would pick up and read and then die on the spot. Of course the infantry did its bit too and soldiers would walk around reading this story out-loud, wiping out all the Germans on their way. O’ what a laugh.

Thanks Gazankhan :-) About Philip the Dog Eater, maybe he is a native American and received this title on his return from a trip to the Philippines when he tried to make some changes to the proverb, ‘When a dog gets chubby, you don’t make a stew out of it’

Anonymous said...

Where are you Shirin? I miss you.

Shirin said...

Don’t worry lovely giraffe; I’m coming to see you this afternoon.

amanda kay said...

i wish i had read this on friday, as i was having a self-imposed very dramatic day.

one of the funniest yet. i have never heard of a stuffed toy being described as startled, but come to think of it, most of them do look like they are, and it kind of freaks me out now.

Shirin said...

I liked the self imposed dramatic day ;-) hee hee. Hope that went well.

amanda kay said...

i think we of a more creative nature have those every now and then. i'm such a queen.

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