This post contains materials that some readers may find offensive.

I’ve lived in England for eleven years now. I’ve learnt the language, I’ve learnt to blame the French for all that is wrong in the world, I have my tea with milk, I’m ok with our bathroom sink having separate taps for hot and cold, I have even learnt to make-do with only a bath and no shower and therefore have accepted coming out of the bath with soap bubbles clinging to my body and drying myself with a towel (that regardless of all the strategic drying poses that I come up with, still smells like cat piss after only one usage) hell this year I even got hay fever and didn’t complain (well not much anyway) but there is still one thing that I just can’t get my head round: wiping one’s bum with toilet paper.
How do they do it? It’s just impossible. I always think how hard can it be? The answer is very. No matter how many times you wipe (I did say before that this was not one for the faint hearted so if you can’t handle this kind of talk please refrain from reading now. So as I was saying no matter how many times you wipe) THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING! I feel so guilty using up all those rolls of toilet paper. Think of all those trees that have been sacrificed for yours and my bum.
But what is one to do about this? Are we to take Aftabehs around with us everywhere we go, carrying them around in huge handbags or rucksacks? I don’t think so. Because apart from it making us look stupid, in the current state of affairs it is also damn right dangerous. Just picture this: an Iranian walking down the street looking a bit shifty, carrying something a bit bulky a bag. Suddenly their phone rings. In the process of reaching inside the bag to fish out their mobile, the spout from the Aftabeh pops out and the next thing they know they are flying through a white or dark tunnel (depending on whether they’ve been good or bad in life) with five shots having been fired into their head at point blank. Although now I’m thinking it would probably just be a white tunnel because even if they don’t automatically become martyrs, we all know that cleanliness is next to godliness and dying for cleanliness must be just double-super-godly and enough to earn a person a semi detached, three bedroom house in heaven’s equivalent of St John’s Wood.
So basically we have no other options but learning to wipe. I have tried asking my friends about it before but none have been very forthcoming with tips. They say don’t worry; everyone uses a lot of toilet paper. But I’m convinced there is something that they are not telling us. Because if everyone does it the same as I, then I am well and truly surprised that there are still any trees left in the world.
So here I plead with the British public to please please share your great knowledge of bum wiping with us ignorant Iranians. I know this is going to be hard for you and probably quite unpleasant too but think of the planet, and your children, and your children’s children and I’m sure this task will suddenly become a lot more fulfilling.
I think maybe the government should do something about this too. Forget having to pass an English language test for becoming naturalised, how about a few compulsory bum wiping lessons (maybe not having to pass a test at the end of it though because I’m sure some people would find that a bit degrading). They could maybe even have specialists at Heathrow airport giving all the Iranians a crash course in bum wiping (before they officially enter the country) and give them a kind of diploma or something at the end. So when they get to passport control, they have to present their passport, that little card they filled up on the plain with their address and stuff and also their bum wiping certificate.
I know this is going to be tough for the Home Office to deal with, especially now with all this hoo-hah about identity cards, the last thing they need is more paperwork. But I’m sure this is something that in the long run everyone will really benefit from. And I’m also sure if word got out, there will be loads of volunteers to help with this too. You just have to go to where one of these new motorways are being built and get some of those dreadlocksy guys that chain themselves to trees and just say, ‘Look, instead of limiting yourselves to these few trees here, wouldn’t you rather save entire rainforests?’ It’s just commonsense really, isn’t it? It would probably be a good idea to get some celebrities onboard too to help with cool-ifying the matter and also fundraising and stuff like that.
Or maybe they should forget about the certificate and just in the airport, all along the line that says ‘People with dodgy passports’ (or something like that) have professionals constantly demonstrating the art of bum wiping on huge monitors; really drilling it into their heads for all of that hour and a half that they have to wait.