Monday, September 19, 2005

Due to a sudden disappearance of any form of elasticity in my other two bras (ok one was about sixteen years old but the other one was only about nine; they really don’t make them like they used to) and my mother’s veto on crop tops (apparently they flatten everything and that is not good) and also my reluctance to go and have my breasts fondled by some specs wearing chubby middle-aged woman (yes I still don’t know what size I am. Do you? Really? Does anyone? Even if you know it they all change from style to style and from shop to shop, let alone country to country. What’s that all about? Makes me wonder what those guys up in the UN have been doing all these years) for the past five moths I have been left to choose between a padded-bra and nothing.

This is of course a very misfortunate situation to be in. However since I have been forced to wear the padded-bra, day in day out, I have noticed that there is something very special about this item of clothing.
In short, padded-bras have some sort of strange power that can for some reason turn a perfectly nice and sensible man momentary into an imbecile. I have been doing a bit of research on this which I thought maybe I could share with you today.

Don’t worry I’m not going to do that whole thing about men liking breast. Yes we all know that men like breasts. Women like breasts too. Who doesn’t like breasts?
I for one think there is nothing more entertaining than a woman with big breasts, jogging. It’s just so nice to watch and I believe it’s one of those things that can make absolutely anyone happy. I once saw a naked man, wearing only a beret, riding a bicycle with a poodle in his front basket. And another time I saw this (which I think is quite self explanatory). These were pretty entertaining too. But maybe these are the kind of things that you could watch once and enjoy but unlike the jogging big breasted woman they would get kind of boring if you were to see them everyday.

Ok so it’s common knowledge that everyone likes breasts. Before we go any further let’s just remind ourselves of the reasons why we all like breasts so much:
One, they are beautiful
Two, they are soft
Three, they jiggle
Let me just say that these are just my personal reasons for liking breasts so if you have anything else to add to this list please feel free to do so. However if you agree that these are pretty much main reasons, maybe you can also understand my confusion about this whole business with padded-bras.
Is it not true that by putting breasts in padded bras, we are taking them as far away from all those things that are nice about them as possible?
Just think about it. Do they still jiggle? I think you find that the answer to that question is, not one bit. Are they still soft? Again, no, not at all. Are they still beautiful? To me they are not really. It’s like someone strapping two coconuts to themselves and walking down the street; ok so they are two hard, round things, so what?

Considering all this I came to the conclusion that the moronic smile that appears on the face of a man (faced with a woman wearing a padded-bra under her clothes as apposed to one wearing no bra) and the absent look in his eyes may not be the product of him just enjoying this experience. And as the sad and disturbing results of my tests show, I was very right to think that.

One could argue that what men like about the padded-bras is the element of surprise. And this is a very valid argument too (especially because it very nicely takes me to the point that I am trying to make).
Let me give you an example that explains this argument a little bit better: A child begs his parents for weeks to buy him the latest model of Spaceship Blah blah. One day his father walks in and hands him the Spaceship Blah blah, the child becomes very happy, takes it and goes off to play with it.
Now replay this scene. This time the father comes in with the same spaceship but it has been gift wrapped. If you look closely, the look on this child’s face in the first few seconds after his father has walked into the house is very similar to the one of a man passing a woman wearing a padded-bra in the street. This is the end of the Surprise theory. And interestingly it is only the beginning of mine which I like to call The Stroke theory.

If we were to take electroencephalograms of both the child (facing the present) and the man (facing the padded-bra) at those first few seconds you will find that while the child’s brain is working super fast counting all the possibilities of what could be in the box, the man’s brain has temporarily been stripped off all thoughts and has actually become completely frozen in time.
What this man is experiencing is a very minor stroke which will blow away on its own in a few seconds.

Any men reading this will as sure as God made little green apples at this point start saying, ‘What nonsense’ and all that. And that’s fine. How can they remember something if their brain had not been working at the time it had happened? And men please don’t get defensive; I’m on your side. By speaking out about this I’m trying to raise awareness of something that I believe is hurting you.
If any women reading this have doubts about my new discoveries, I have devised a simple exercise which I am going to put at the end of this article. Those of you who will try this exercise will undoubtedly think that there is some magic or trickery involved. But no, this is not magic. This is just science.
The only thing I would say about this exercise is that please do not try this on the same person more than twice in twenty four hours since we still don’t know the long term effects that these minor strokes have on a person’s brain. I personally think that they can do a lot of damage but of course the billion dollar padded-bra industry disagrees.


For this exercise you will need:
2 people, one male and one female
1 padded bra
2 rooms separated by one door

The male stands on one side of the door, facing it and looks straight ahead. The female goes to the other side. She puts on the padded-bra under her T-shirt. She opens the door and at the same time asks, ‘What is your name?’
The man will not be able to answer.
She counts to five then closes the door. She takes off the padded-bra and comes back out again. The man will still be standing in his original place.
He will not be able to recall the previous incident.


me said...

I do find that Ur arguments are scientifically important for humanity. . .
You should definitely submit it to the British Medical Journal :) U do care for the health of the men that might have so many little strokes in their lives, right!? ;)

PS. The breast can still jiggle, depending on the quality of the padded bra, ur actual breast size and how low is ur shirt's cleavage ;)

Anonymous said...

i agree with 'me''s postscript...i have yet to find a bra padded or otherwise that prevents mine from jiggling (if i wanted that...but you know it's all about having options).

of course i am cursed (or blessed..bearing in mind the rising instance of breast augmentation and pamela anderson, i realize that the majority would consider me 'blessed') with voluptuousness, and i work in the automotive industry and can go an entire workday without encountering another female, so believe you me i understand the strokes of which you speak, those blank stares and absence of thought of any sort that was once alarming to me has become, well, an expected part of my day, and a colleague has even put forth the suggestion that i refrain from wearing t-shirts with slogans (texas is for lovers!) or writing of any kind, as my breasts have already disabled their ability to process thought and they end up staring aimlessly at my chest trying to mouth the words and make sense of them (this phenomenon was exemplified when i had the bad judgement of wearing a t-shirt with a french phrase on it...and no it didn't translate to 'nice t**s'), i guess what i am trying to say here is that i don't think the strokes do any damage as the part of the man's brain it's affecting is a part that while used most frequently, has not ever managed to do anything productive.

*ahem* thank you for understanding.


Tazzy said...

A very curious and interesting observation Shirin.
I'm taking it upon myself to run a fMRI experiment to test the childVSpresent and manVSpadded bra theory, at the earliest possible time. They have already published the effect of pornography combined with alcohol intake on men in the journal of Neuroimage so this will only add to our understanding of the workings of the male brain.

Very appreciated of your warnings against the purchase of padded-bra, but must add that this particular post of yours did require an advance warning of this own:"Caution. Reading this post at work will cause your first morning coffee to come out of your nose"

Thank you :D

Shirin said...

Now I kinda wish I had discussed this matter with you three before writing this piece since you all seem to have a lot to offer on this subject. I am seriously hoping that you are right about these strokes not being bad for our men Amanda. I was just about to leave the house and I reluctantly put on the padded-bra again knowing I was doing wrong (but also knowing that I had no other choice) but then I read your comment and I felt much better.
Me, are you sure that breasts can still jiggle in a padded-bra? Mine not only not jiggle, but also stay so firmly in place that sometimes at hard shoulders they refuse to turn with the rest of me and I have to it manually!
Tazzy, please keep me posted about the results of your tests. If we are to take these Padded-bra guys to court one day, we need all the evidence we can get.

Kamyar said...

I think the other good thing about not wearing a padded bra is that you can use your breasts as a weapon. If someone attaches you, all you have to do is get really close to him or her and suddenly jump really quickly and as fast and high as you can and make sure you look down before landing to see if the breasts are perfectly lined up with the persons head. I think depending on the breasts size you can do some serious damage to someone’s head. Imagine.
I wish someone could try this for me.

GazanKhan said...

You are all missing the most important thing about the beasts.
...And four: you can drink milk from them.

me said...

Now i being in engineering field, I wonder if we should invent some padded bra with automatic turning systems that would get rid of that problem with hard turns. . .Will let U know how it goes. . .

GazanKhan said...

Of course I meant breasts, not beast!sorry, bad spelling. But Shirin knows that I'm sure.

Shirin said...

Gazankhan (that beast thing was really funny) I did say please add to this list if you can think of anything else and you did, thank you. So now I guess I have to ask, Can milk still be drunk from breasts inside a padded-bra by a newborn baby? I think the answer to that question is, Not unless the baby is born with beastly teeth and strong claws that will help him rip through those layers of super-hard sponge and wire. Another reason to pooh-pooh the padded-bra I think.

Me, I will be counting the days until your invention comes into the market.

shady said...

of course due to short attention span and not reading these comments or the whole piece thoroughly, this might have been discussed already, but i think it was overlooked! hello? nipples? no padded bra = nipples showing thru the t-shirt? anyone? anything?

A friend (ex Crazy Chef) said...


Hurry up and write more....

Your sweet mother-in-law is waiting for your new posts. She is soooo proud of her daughter-in-law that she actually drives me crazy!!! On top of having to listen to her unending praises of you, I have to get a print of your writings and give it to her. I think you with your weblog succeeded to persuade her to have a computer and I declare my READINESS!!! to teach her how to work with it. It might be much less expensive, less time consuming (for me!!!!) and I am sure much more fun for her. What do you think?

Shirin said...

Ahh nipples, yes. In a way I thought by saying, ‘they are beautiful’, I had covered that as well. But you are right maybe nipples do need a section of their own. So I guess now we have to ask ourselves, Are we still able to appreciate the true beauty of the nipples inside the padded-bra?
Umm, I think No is the answer.

That’s Brilliant Friend. I think it’ll be wonderful for Homajoon to have internet. I’m sure you will make a great teacher :-) make sure she makes lots of nice food for when you go over there to teach her computer stuff;-)

Ron said...

Some time ago, I was advised by a doctor to limit myself to a "liquid diet" for just a couple of days. He was not at all specific regarding what should be included in the diet when I asked. I started getting practical information only when I said I had decided upon breast-feeding and asked that he arrange it.

Shirin said...

I hear you Ron; doctors these days are totally useless. They can’t even arrange a simple breast feeding for a patient. Terrible. I hope you’re ok and back to solids now anyway.

Ricia said...

From the perspective of a gal whose jiggle-factor is quite limited to begin with, and from one whom owns only one bra for those special occassion (thin, semi-transparent fabrics of a shirt or dress). I must say that it true. Even I have had this crazy experience you have described, with the damn padded bra. I would never have purchased it, but there was actually no other kind of bra to buy for under 30$ CAN at the time. Why on earth are these things so popular that a retailer wouldn't provide any alternative to it? Or is it a conspiracy perpetuated by stroke-victim-designers?

Dancing in the said bra requires some stiffening of the arms and shoulders to avoid that swivling effect (where the bra doesn't move along with your torso). I don't understand why anyone would want one. Nor do I undertand the observers attraction to 'em. Of course, the low-cut shirt analogy has potential, but only if the woman in question has the bulk to begin with.

I say, if your back can withstand it, ditch the bra. For extra affect, for historical and for entertainment purposes: burn it.

Shirin said...

Yes me too; the only reason I bought my one was that it was 1,99£ A pair of proper classy chicks. That’s what we are!

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