We watched this programme last night called the sex inspectors. Each time a couple with a very bad sex-life come on the programme and get help from relationship experts. The couple’s problem last night was that apparently the woman was never in the mood for sex while her partner constantly wanted it. Before trying to help the couple with their problem, the relationship experts put cameras all around their home and watched them for a week to find out exactly where the problem was. It soon became apparent that the woman was shy about being naked and the guy’s idea of getting her in the mood was to grab her from behind and hit his front repeatedly against her back whilst winging, ‘let’s have sex. Come on let’s have sex.’ There was a real comedy moment when they cut from this, to the poor guy (being interviewed) shrugging his shoulders and talking through his nose saying, ‘I really don’t know why she doesn’t want to have sex.’ The guy also claimed that what sex they managed to have was always the same and very boring. When the woman was interviewed she said that she simply wanted to want to have sex.
Now I think after watching this, any normal person would be able to spot that this couple’s biggest problem was that they where not in love. The relationship experts however, unanimously decided that what this couple needed was to spice up their sex-life. Well the programme was called Sex Inspectors so I guess you can’t fault them on that really. This of course meant the introduction of the couple to sex toys and sex games. The sex toys were a load of multicoloured vibrators that came in many different shapes and sizes and the sex game was that the couple would each take turns to throw a dice and pick up a card with one of the other person’s sexual fantasies written on it. In the process of writing out their fantasies, it became apparent the woman was a lot friskier than she had let on and while she had absolutely no problem coming up with her list of fantasies (which included tying each other up and hair-pulling) her partner just sat there shrugging his shoulders, raising his eyebrows and repeating his favourite sentence through his nose, ‘I don’t know.’ Then the couple were taught some new sex moves and stuff and after that they were left to their own devices for two weeks to tryout their newfound skills on each other. But stuff happened during that week and to make the long story short, as their sexlife apparently got better and better, their relationship started to fall apart. When the sex inspectors went back to visit the couple, they had broken up four days earlier.
It was sad to see that but to be honest I actually felt quite relieved. Call me a romantic or whatever you like but I absolutely refuse to believe that you can arm a couple with a bunch of vibrators and some new sex moves and make them fall in love with each other. For some reason most people think that you have a good sexlife first and then your relationship will be good too. Maybe I’m a bit old fashioned but I had always thought it was the other way round. After all it is called lovemaking. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not saying that people definitely need to be in love to have a good sexlife, what I’m saying is that having good sex will not make people fall in love. And a spiced-up sexlife will not save a couple’s loveless relationship. Because like my wise tutor, Mario Minichilio always used to say, ‘You can’t dress up a turd.’